I'm also not a person who has ever had recurring dreams. Unless you count the entirety of high school, during which I was chain smoking in every single one of my dreams. The smoking was never a central part of the dream plot...just this little habit I had on the side. Every single dream for four years. Smoking. (Including one that was set at an indoor water park...still smoking.) This is particularly fascinating since I haven't smoked a single cigarette in my entire life. I did have a few theories about that whole situation, but I'll save that for a different day, and apparently my dream-self decided to end my tobacco addiction when I started college. Since then, I haven't noticed any patterns in any of my dreams.
Until a few months ago.
Dream #1) Apparently I had agreed to cover a shift at Granite Sports, one of my very-part-time jobs. And apparently, on the day I was scheduled to work, I decided I had more important things to do so I completely blew off my obligation. About four hours past the time I was supposed to be at work I was overcome by guilt and I showed up at Granite to find my boss covering for me. The rest of my dream consisted of me apologizing all over myself and my boss saying, repeatedly, "This just isn't like you..." So I apologize more. And more. And then he - as kindly and sadly as you can imagine - fires me. And I leave...apologizing all the way out the door. And then I wake up...feeling like a terrible person.
Dream #2) Apparently my friend Chels had told me she could get me a job working a few spare shifts at Aeropostale and apparently, I had thought this was a genius idea and taken her up on the offer. (Let me pause the story right here to say...this is just ridiculous. First, I REALLY don't need another job. Second, I would have to be pretty desperate to work at Aeropostale. It's just not my thing.) So the dream begins with me showing up fifteen minutes late on my first day and the manager (played by a gay Stanley Tucci) really ripping me a new one about my irresponsibility and lack of integrity. Meanwhile I apologize and apologize and apologize, in between me telling him repeatedly that "This just isn't like me...", and Chelsey awkwardly standing nearby, really wishing she hadn't given me such a good recommendation. The dream ended with Mr. Tucci - not so kindly or sadly - firing me. On my first day. There was also a small bit in there somewhere involving Chelsey traversing a 3" wide ledge in stilettos due to a missing staircase. But that seemed to be somewhat irrelevant. So I leave...apologizing all the way out the door. And then I wake up feeling like a REALLY terrible person.
Dream #3) I remember almost nothing from this dream...not who was in it, not where I was...just the apologizing. Profusely. And then I woke up feeling like a terrible person.
And then, a few weeks later...
Dream #4) In this dream I am leading what is quickly becoming the worst Young Life club EVER. The entire twenty-minute scene is me standing in front of a room full of teenagers while I frantically shuffle through a huge pile of blank paper looking for my club plans. And of course...I'm apologizing.
Clearly...
I have issues.
I don't need to pay someone $75/hour to tell me that. But what DOES, in fact, puzzle me is why my dream-self has, as of late, become completely neurotic. Because my waking-self has always been just slightly neurotic (usually comically), with no mentionable episodes within the last, oh, eight years. So, why the recent flare-up of crazy?
Now, if I was paying someone large sums of money to psychoanalyze this situation, they would probably find this fact to be pertinent: these dreams started a week after I came on full-time staff with Young Life. But then, what might throw them for a loop is the fact that I have been on part-time staff for the organization for the last four years. And my new job description varies only slightly from my old one. So, I'll ask again...why the recent flare-up of crazy?
My dream-self is an over-reactor. A drama queen, it seems. She stresses me out...and she needs a cup of tea on my porch.
But seriously...a tiny bit of introspection seemed to be warranted. So I poured myself that cup of tea and did some introspecting.
And here's what it seems to boil down to (when you disregard the discrepancy that dream-self seems to be collecting W-2's like they're Beanie Babies circa 1994, while real self just downsized from 4 jobs to 1.3 jobs): investment.
When I was a freshman in college I stumbled upon a job at podiatry clinic (read "foot doctor"). I had virtually no medical experience, and - though I enjoyed the job - it was no secret that I was not exactly seeking a career in...foot care. I just needed to pay for textbooks, right? In less than a year the doctor I worked for sent me on an all expenses paid trip to a medical conference in Chicago. At the time, I remember thinking he was making a terrible investment. I actually told him this, reminding him that I was only going to be there until I switched schools, or found a job more suited to my major (sociology) or moved to Africa. He told me to book my flight to Chicago. I ended up working for him for five years. He made a - risky, perhaps - investment, and it "paid off".
Four years ago, before coming on staff with YL I sought advice from Pam, our regional director. I told her that I felt like God was calling me to vocational ministry, and that I loved Young Life, but that I was wary of taking the job...I might only be there until I started grad school...or moved to Africa (that's my classic fear-of-commitment excuse...I'm sincere when I use it, but I fear I borderline abuse it.) I distinctly remember her telling me to "try it out for a year, and see if it's a good fit." Looking back this comment is hilarious to me, because anyone that works with an association or business or ministry, whether faith-based or not, knows that longevity is key. You don't put someone on your team and have them jump start the organization in a new community if you think they're going to bail after a year. Pam knew that. But she - and Corey - saw something in me I didn't (and often still don't). They made a - risky, perhaps - investment. I won't say it's "paid off"...that would be terribly presumptuous of me. But, for what it's worth, my one year trial period did turn into what is now going on it's fifth year.
For some reason - in my head - I'm a flight risk. But I have been greatly blessed. By people who are willing to put way more in my lap than I believe I should be trusted with. And by a Savior who, in his great grace, glues my feet to the floor when necessary.
I have much to learn from these (and many other) people who have seen me - not just for who I am, but for who I have the potential to be. I am mostly near-sighted. I tend to see the present reality, and not far past it. But vision is a incredibly valuable characteristic. It is a common quality among the best teachers and leaders and mentors and parents and friends that I have known.
God's pretty good at it too. He's well known for taking the long view, for seeing where people could be if they listen and obey. Moses. David. Peter.
I desire to have this kind of vision. To love people where they are at, but to be discontent to see them stay there. To have the wisdom to know when people are short-changing themselves. To invest more in people than they believe they are worth.
So, back to psycho-dream-self....
I'm a little nervous about the new job. Well, the old job...expanded. I'm a little nervous that I won't live up to people's expectations, that I won't be able to do it well enough, that I'll let folks down. But I am grateful for people who see more than what is already there...
